Wretched Bastards

One time, years ago when I was relatively younger and relatively stupider, I had my broke ass fired from a job as a security guard for youthful shenanigans… my response? I took the severance package, bought myself a case of beer, and sat my fat ass on the couch for the weekend playing video games.

But then, I’m not Charlie Sheen. You have to hand it to this guy. He keeps me guessing constantly. I can’t decide whether he’s a madman, a genius, or a mixture of the two. No matter what it is, it takes a special kind of bravado to stand on a rooftop, wave a machete in one hand and drink a bottle labeled Tiger’s Blood in the other and shout at the rest of Los Angeles, “free at last!”

But madman or genius, you can’t deny that the media is in overdrive. Libya what? How can I focus on that when Charlie Sheen is bi-winning?

Personally, I love this man. He’s living the dream with his two live-in girlfriends. A porn star, and his kid’s nanny. Seriously, that’s three of my main sexual fantasies right there. Couple that with the mockery he’s making of Warner Brothers, and more importantly his former boss, it’s obvious to me that he’s just really pissed off because A.) his boss is obviously a dick, and B.) the media is constantly invading his personal business.

Fuck, I’d be pissed off too. I’d personally go out and get a tattoo that said “Chuck Lorre sucks mad cock” in a very prominent place on my body. Hell, I’d commission a tungsten statue of the man himself in the act and drop it right smack-dab in the middle of Hollywood, just so alien archeologists in the distant future would know that Chuck Lorre, did indeed suck mad cock. Say what you want about his behavior, but the man’s got a right to be who he wants to be. He is, however, the face of Two and a Half Men, and he did, in fact, work hard enough to make his bosses boatloads of cash.

But you get caught trashing a hotel room with a porn star and boo to you, right?

Fuck, if I’d been fired for every time I got caught trashing a hotel room with a porn star and a briefcase full of cocaine, I’d be gainfully employed.

The fact is that Charlie’s right. There is no morality clause in his contract. He is under no obligation to the company to refrain from having fun. If he chooses to go on a bender and potentially fuck up his life, that’s his choice. Personally, I love his antics. I love the game he’s playing, and I respect the hell out of him for doing it. He’s playing with the media factory and trying to show the rest of the world what it really is, a hyped up excuse.

So here’s to you, Charlie Sheen. You keep at it, and even if the day should come where you fall into a deep downward cocaine-and-hooker spiral, you’ll always be welcome here. You are a true Bastard, and are as a hero among us.